


Bonded

by Tallulah_Rasa



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Humor, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-17
Updated: 2014-09-17
Packaged: 2018-02-15 01:15:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2210133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tallulah_Rasa/pseuds/Tallulah_Rasa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack gets close to Jacob Carter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bonded

**Author's Note:**

> Also known as "Of Human-Tok'ra Bondage," this was written in 2003, and is set in the early days of SG-1.

It was Carter who spoke first, which O'Neill felt was gutsy, all things considered.

"Dad?" she said hesitantly, in a voice only slightly shaking. "Colonel O'Neill? What...um, what's going on here?"

Damned gutsy, he thought, with not a little pride. He would've given her an approving look, if he could have turned his head to see her. Of course, she _was_ a bit overly fond of unnecessary questions. What was going on was obvious, as was the fact that right now he could really use a blanket. Among other things.

"Sam, honey?" Jacob's voice broke in, a moist breeze tickling Jack's ear. "This isn't what it looks like."

"Oh, I don't know," Daniel said from somewhere across the room, and Jack could tell he was trying -- though not very hard, by the sound of it -- to keep from laughing. "I think this is _exactly_ what it looks like."

No military tribunal in any part of the galaxy, Jack thought, would convict him if he shot Daniel right now.

"Colonel O'Neill has bonded with Jacob Carter," Selmac said, as though everyone couldn't see that. "However, he is well, and no permanent damage has so far been done to either Jacob or the Colonel." Was it really necessary for the snake to make an appearance at all? It was bad enough he'd been caught like this, did it have to turn into a menage a trois? And was Selmac _laughing_? Damn. He hadn't known snakes could do that. That was _it_ \-- first he was shooting Daniel, and then he was shooting Selmac. Sam would give him hell, but the gratification would be worth it. Unfortunately, the gratification would also be delayed, as his weapon was in his pants, and his pants were across the room.

Carter began to make a cautious circuit around Jack and Jacob, and O'Neill uncomfortably amended his previous thought; _one_ of his weapons was across the room. As no doubt his second-in-command and her father were noticing right about now. And oh, good, Teal'c was coming in for a closer look.

"Jacob Carter does indeed seem to be stuck on the Colonel," Teal'c observed.

"You have a firm grasp of the obvious, Teal'c," Jacob said.

"Thank you, Jacob Carter," Teal'c said, and Jack could tell he was doing that little bowing thing.

"Stuck?" Daniel asked.

"That's literally the truth," Carter said. "You should take a look at this, Daniel."

And of course Daniel did. He was _so_ going to be shot.

"The _literal_ truth," Daniel said in his professor voice, after giving Jack and Jacob a closer appraisal than Jack thought was really necessary. "But not the complete truth. The complete truth would be that Jack's in his boxers, and Jacob is..."

"Wait! I don't think I should be hearing this!" a voice sing-songed from across the room.

"You called _Maybourne_ , Daniel?" Jack managed to spit out through clenched teeth.

"Jack, you said you had an emergency, and it had to do with an unknown NID. So of course I..."

"Entity, Daniel! I said, _entity_." He was going to use big honking bullets. Or maybe he'd just bash Daniel over the head a few times with his gun.

"Oh," Daniel said. "Well, um. Never mind." Jack could almost feel him shrugging, and Maybourne wasn't even bothering to swallow his laughter. "My radio doesn't have such great reception," Daniel added apologetically.

"You should get a new one," Carter said.

"Indeed," Teal'c said. "I understand that the company known as Verizon has satisfactorily solved this problem."

"Uh, guys?" Jacob said. Maybourne laughed and laughed.

"O'Neill has often said that good military strategy involves defining a problem completely and defining possible solutions," Teal'c said solemnly. "I believe Daniel Jackson is following O'Neill's teachings admirably."

He should never have made Teal'c go fishing, Jack thought. He'd always known the Jaffa would want revenge.

Well, it was time to take command of the situation, or as much command as he could take while in his boxers, covered in goo, and stuck to Jacob Carter and his snake. "Fascinating as this is, kids," he began, trying to maintain the semblance of control and some shreds of dignity, "could we maybe move on to something more helpful?"

"How did you get into this mess?" Daniel asked, as if Jack hadn't even spoken.

From the way Daniel's voice carried, it sounded like he was walking around the edge of the room. It was hard for Jack to see, with his head stuck to Jacob's shoulder and sticky glop running down his hair and into his eyes. If only Jack had a hand free, instead of stuck to Jacob's back, he could do something about that. Possibly he could even hit someone, like a certain annoying archeologist.

"I mean," Daniel continued, oblivious, "one minute you're with the Tok'ra examining an abandoned Goa'uld machine shop, and the next, you're..." Jack could hear the barely suppressed smile, "...in your shorts, permanently up close and personal with Jacob Carter."

"Daniel," Carter said, with what sounded like a wince, and what was with that? Wasn't he good enough for her father?

"If you _must_ know," Jack said, since there didn't seem to be any other way to deal with Daniel, and he didn't want Maybourne chiming in with questions, "we went through the machine shop, and there were a mess of chemicals and metal shavings and crap everywhere, and Selmac suddenly mentioned that oh, yes, there might be some slightly radioactive material in the air, and I should use the shower before we went back to the ship."

"You were never in any danger, O'Neill," Selmac said, and Jack rolled his eyes. "If you had only--"

"So, let me get this straight," Daniel interrupted. "You decided to disrobe and, uh...wash... in _here_?"

Jack could swear his archeologist was giggling. "White tile room, drains in the floor, spigots and faucets on the wall...yeah," he said haughtily.

"And...?" Carter prompted, still crouched by his side, and carefully not touching anything.

"And obviously the shower was booby-trapped, Carter!" he exploded. "This...vile, sticky, smelly glop came shooting out, and I yelled for help."

"He yelled that he was being attacked by an alien weapon," Jacob said with dignity and no small amount of peevishness. "So of course I ran in and tried to grab him out of harm's way, but..."

"You became adhered to O'Neill," Teal'c finished for him.

"Gives a whole new meaning to 'getting plastered'," Daniel said. Jack considered a hockey stick, and the sound it would make against Daniel's head, and almost missed Teal'c's brief examination of the nearest faucet.

"This is not an alien weapon, nor a booby-trap," Teal'c observed.

"Coulda fooled me," Jack said sourly. "It's sure as hell not a shower."

"Well, no," Daniel said, having completed his examination of the room. Jack could tell he'd read something on the wall and was bursting to tell them all about it. Jack was damned if he was going to ask.

"It is simply another part of the machine shop, O'Neill," Teal'c continued.

"The spigots tap into a supply of industrial adhesive!" Carter said triumphantly, pleased to add another solved problem to her mental scorecard.

"It is most unfortunate that you made such a foolish and avoidable mistake," Selmac said sharply. "This is a tremendous waste of my time."

"Hey, not exactly a picnic for me, either," Jacob said clearly, though he was wrapped so closely around Jack that his mouth was practically in Jack's shoulder.

"I wouldn't think so," Carter said, a bit too emphatically for Jack's taste.

"And how in hell was I supposed to know that this wasn't a shower room?" he asked, aggrieved.

" _Some missions are pure military recon_ ," Daniel quoted, " _and this is one of them. There's no reason in hell I'd need a linguist on this type of mission_."

"Daniel," Jack warned.

" _Having a linguist on this mission would be as much use as having wheels on a fish_ ," Daniel continued.

"You _did_ say that, Sir," Carter added.

" _When I need a linguist, I'll ask for one!_ " Daniel continued, doing what Jack had to admit was a fairly good impression. Too bad those would be Daniel's last words.

"It sounds like you made yourself pretty clear, Jack," Maybourne said helpfully.

"Indeed," Teal'c said.

"You told me he was tied up on SGC business!" Jacob said.

Jack took a breath. He was going to have to shoot them all, but first he was going to have to get free of Jacob, and wash this horrible smelly, sticky, _itchy_ gunk from his skin, and get dressed. _Then_ he was going to shoot them all. Daniel, more than once. He'd think of something to tell Hammond. "Could we forego this little stroll down memory lane and maybe focus on the here and now?" he asked, trying to take deep, cleansing breaths between the words.

"I have no idea what to do," Carter admitted. "The glue, or whatever it is that's binding you, is still tacky. We can't touch you without getting stuck ourselves. You can't walk because your feet would stick to the floor, and anyway you couldn't balance yourselves stuck together like that. If I try to cut you apart with a knife I'll probably just get the blade stuck. A zat blast wouldn't separate you, and through C-4 would do the trick I'm pretty sure it's not the right tool for the job. The only thing I can think of is to get a sample of this glop to Janet and see if she can come up with something."

"Ever a ray of sunshine, Carter," Jack said. All he needed was Janet buzzing around, another witness to face. Or kill. "How about you, Daniel? Anything helpful to add?"

"I can tell you the history of glue," Daniel offered. "It's quite interesting; in ancient times--"

"Daniel!" Jack yelled. Maybourne was laughing so hard he couldn't say anything. Jack wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

"Daniel Jackson, I believe O'Neill had something else in mind," Teal'c said.

"Well, it's too bad you don't have a linguist around," Daniel said.

"There's something important written on the walls?" Carter asked.

"That's a good guess," Daniel said. "A linguist would be able to tell you if, say, that wall tells you what to do in case these adhesives accidentally get on your skin or clothes. A linguist could also tell you which spigot turns on a flow of...well, I guess the rough translation would be 'rubber cement thinner'."

"Do you need an engraved invitation?" Jack asked from between clenched teeth.

"Of course," Daniel went on, "a linguist would have been able to tell you this wasn't a shower room."

"I believe an engraved invitation is exactly what Daniel Jackson needs," Teal'c said.

"Indeed," Carter and Maybourne and Jacob said together.

"Also an apology," Daniel said sweetly. "For the 'as much use as wheels on a fish' crack."

"Daniel," Jacob implored. "If we stay like this much longer I'm going to have to marry Jack."

"Holy Hannah!" Carter said with a shudder."Daniel, please!"

Daniel didn't say anything.

"Please, Daniel," Jack ground out after Jacob somehow managed to kick him.

"Please what, Jack?" Daniel asked.

"Please read the damn panels and fix this mess, or I _will_ kill you," Jack said.

"I'm sorry," Daniel said. "I didn't quite hear that."

"Slowly," Jack said loudly. Forget the gun, he was going to tear his archeologist limb from limb with his bare hands.

"We'd better get Janet," Daniel said. "Sam, you and Teal'c and I should go. Maybourne can stay here with Jack and Jacob and the equipment."

"Equipment?" Maybourne asked.

"Just some things I brought along in case there was anything here that needed further study. Some books, a few pens, a notebook. A camcorder."

"A...camcorder?" Maybourne repeated.

"Daniel," Jack yelled. "I, um, I don't think I've ever told you how much I admire your compassion, your patience, and your...your..."

"Forgiving nature?" Carter supplied.

Bless the major. "Yes, that's it exactly. Your forgiving nature. And your extraordinary skills as a linguist."

"Well, thanks, Jack," Daniel said. "That's very nice."

"That is not an apology," Teal'c said.

"Well, no, Teal'c, you're right," Daniel said. "It's not."

"I was getting there," Jack said desperately. "I'm a little...testy right now, because I'm..."

"Sticky?" Carter offered, at the same time Jacob said, "An ass?"

Jack ignored them both. "And I'm very sorry for yelling at you, and for implying that your skills aren't..."

"Necessary," Daniel prompted.

"Yes, necessary, " Jack agreed quickly, "necessary and..."

"Valuable," Daniel suggested.

"Extremely valuable," Jack agreed. "On many missions."

Teal'c cleared his throat.

"On almost every mission," Jack amended.

"We won't be long getting Janet," Daniel said.

"On every damned mission," Jack yelled. "Please, Daniel, get me the hell out of this mess!"

Jack could hear Daniel smiling, and strangely enough, he no longer felt quite so much like killing him.

"Well, sure, Jack," Daniel said. "All you had to do was ask."

 

END

 


End file.
